Trip Down Memory Lane

We are in the capital for an entire week doing a language intensive (read: frying our brains with new words and structures for 5-6 hours daily). Since I am indisposed and needed to visit the doctor (routine check-up only), I got to fly in a day early, and the boys had to ride in the car the next day. So, I had some time to myself. I used this time for a little reflection, and I finally did something I haven't done since I arrived. I went back and read my journal over the past 14 months. I just wanted to give you the low down on some things that I was feeling during our year long transition to living in a developing nation. These words were found repeatedly in the posts - crazy, physcho, insane, roller coaster, overwhelmed. Mind you - this stuff is the good, the bad and the silly of what I was thinking and feeling. Enjoy. . . . -2/26/2010 'Jonathan went across the border today, and it strikes me how alone I really am and how little infrastructure there is here in the event of a true emergency. We really need some sort of emergency plan. I think that is a wise choice.' (I'll bet I was also the only one who actually practiced their fire escape plan when the fireman came to visit in 3rd grade!) -3/9/2010 'Hello, physcho here. Or maybe bipolar would be better. Moving to a new culture is super, ultra strange. It makes you like a crazy person. One minute you are footloose and fancy free and the next you're crazy - maybe even crying about how someone looked at you or laughed at your speaking. Some days I don't want to leave our house because I DON'T WANT to interact with people who think I'm crazy or different or weird. Don't they know that THEY are the weird ones?' -3-25-2010 'Wow, I'm sweating at 6:00 a.m. It's almost more than I can take.' -4/12/2010 'I think I'm dealing with the HOT rather well. There have only been two or three moments when I've seriously contemplated running screaming from the place. It's just that there is a point when you realize the there is absolutely no way to get cool, and then you go a little insane. -4/13/2010 'This move has been like a roller coaster for me - up and down - sometimes a little too quickly for comfort.' -04-30-2010 'I still wonder sometimes what I'm doing here. I wrote our newsletter today and I just didn't know what to say. I guess I'm just overwhelmed, but gracious, how long can that feeling last? I feel a bit aimless and my goals a bit blurry.' -05-01-2010 ' There was a huge rainstorm in the night last night. Of course it occurred when I'd left two HUGE loads of laundry on the line because they weren't dry and I didn't have anywhere to put them inside. Ugh. I just can't seem to pull it together. I need a good talk with my husband. He is so logical and solid. It's a good counter to my apparent schizophrenia.' -05-04-2010 'It is AMAZING what a little bit of encouragement can do for me. Last night we skyped with ___________ and ___________. Man, what a difference it makes to know that someone is behind you all the way. We've (okay, well I) have to focus on the big picture here and realize that the things that are getting me down are S-M-A-L-L! ' -07-9-2010 'Of course, AS ALWAYS and according to my mother, things always look better in the morning. At least we have a plan that will allow us, MAYBE, to return to the country where we are supposed to be living. Hope it works. -08-09-2010 'I HATE waiting. Because sometimes you wait so long for something and it still doesn't come through. Little things or big things . . .doesn't matter. I don't like to wait. BUT waiting is such a part of life. Necessary???' 08-15-2010 'On the other hand, life seems to be quite rhythmic around here. AND we are inching towards the goal of FINISHING our first set of assignments. Yay. YAY. YAY. I can't believe we are almost there!' -11-11-2010 'WOW. It's been a long time since I wrote. Probably because I'm embarrassed to write what I've been feeling. I've been so selfish, selfish, selfish lately. Every thought, every prayer - focused on me and my needs. It's been 10 months and until now, I haven't really yearned for my 'old' life in America, but with the waves of pregnancy nausea come an intense desire to re-enter an easier way of life.. . more than a mere urge - a longing really. But THEN I remember why I'm here. I can look back and see the HUGE billboard-like markers that brought me here, and I can be content.'